A Wish Granted

Picture this:

Warmth of the morning sun.

Cool breeze.

Smell of freshly cut grass.

Chirping birds.

Children's laughter.

Colourful playground.

Elderly doing their morning exercise.

The idea of walking C in the park holding his tiny hand and him doing his clumsy walk was planted in my head the first time I laid my eyes on him. Such a simple thought but never given the chance to fulfill it. It thus became a wish on my wishlist.

The family had a studio photography session some time back and one of the challenge was to take a picture of me walking C. Unfortunately, it had not been very successful as C was very weak and we did not manage to take very good shots. Nonetheless, the digital copies were kept on disc together with the rest of the family photos.

Last night hubby came home with 2 printouts for me. It was then I came to know of his secret mission with a friend. A complicated task of photoshop; piecing bits and pieces together to make C complete.

 

The first sight of it was overwhelming. A mixed feelings of completeness and a tinge of sadness. I think it's a feeling only some of us would understand. And yes, I cried for a long time. Thinking of the would-have-been, what-if and if-only. 

Thank you hubby for giving me such precious memories of C. I will cherish them very much.

A Porcelain Doll

An accident at the car park this afternoon.

I have always been very careful handling C all these while but made a grave mistake today - for losing my concentration, for taking my eyes off him. I was carrying C when I took a second to talk to hubby. C lost his balance and fell backwards. The next thing I knew, he was no longer leaning on my shoulder but his entire body and head hanging in mid-air and I was just holding on to the lower half of his body hip down. Fear took over me. I watched him burst into tears and the following seconds felt like eternity. I hugged him close and cried uncontrollably.

Worried sick and unwillingly, I laid him on the back seat, waited for some responses. C was still crying and I wasn't sure if it's due to the shock or if he was hurt. My hands were shaking so bad as I turned him to his side checking for signs of injury, bruising, pain and breathing difficulty. At the same time rattling to my hubby amidst sobs that I was so scare, didn't know what to do, didn't know if he was hurt, that we should forget about meeting my sister & family, go to the hospital instead.

Few minutes passed and nothing. I could not find anything conclusive but that did not convince me C was fine even though he was back to his usual self, laughing and playing. The horrific thought of C sustaining a spine or neck injury; the guilt for letting it happened did not go away. For the entire day, I was haunted by it. I think this guilt and paranoia would stay for a while.

After we reached our destination and while hubby was unloading our barang barang, I took the opportunity to explain to Cayla that I was frightened by the incident and I was sorry for screaming at her earlier. She nodded her head and shared that she was frightened too by what happened. There was a brief silence in the car before Cayla popped a question “Mommy, why 弟弟 (little brother) cannot walk?" That took me by surprise and I was lost for words, got emotional and cried non-stop.

This aside...

We received the bill for C's first hospitalisation. A whopping $11,500.00 for a 9-day stay. That was before the government grant, Medishield coverage and Medisave deduction. Imagine us without any of these, we would probably be in debt for a long time. Anyway, am grateful that the grant and insurance took care of a substantial amount; that we have adequate funds in Medisave to offset the few thousand dollars and that the upfront cash payment was kept to a minimal $100. But how long can our Medisave sustain us, I wondered. Still waiting for the second bill to come, possibly another few thousand dollars.

For now, I rather spend my time worrying about C. I am praying that he will be ok.

Reunited

After spending the week at grandma's nursing her fever, Cayla is finally home (with an occasional cough). The siblings missed each other so much they couldn't wait to spend time together. I guessed a brief playtime between them would do more good than harm. See how they laughed and held each other's hand. Such a beautiful moment to cherish.

A short recap on C's last discharge. I had completed the necessary hands-on trainings with the home-care nurses and came home with a truckload of machines. Here are our latest additions:

From Top (L to R): Suction machine, oximeter, BIPAP, humidifier

Bought a trolley from IKEA that perfectly accommodates the equipment. It now occupies the space which used to be my bedside drawer.

Resuscitator, syringes, tubes, masks, gloves, sanitizers etc

The low built-in storage next to the trolley now stores the consumables... lots of them! No more space for oxygen cylinder so we had to keep it elsewhere. 

Apart from the daily suctioning, C has gradually resumed his oral feed and soft diet (moderately blended meat and vegetables with porridge). He has also been scheduled for another videofluoroscopy session in early August to re-assess his ability to swallow. We hope C maintains his health and continues to enjoy his privilege to eat.

Next to consider - a proper stroller to ferry C and his equipment. Costly!! >_<

Big smile from Caelen! Lots of love ♡